


Sin-terior Design

by peppypear



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bottom Steve Rogers, Bottom Tony Stark, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Erotic Electrostimulation, Forced Orgasm, IKEA, IKEA Furniture, Inanimate Object Porn, Lingerie, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Objectification, Other, Romance, Self-Destruction, Sex on Furniture, Suggestive Themes, Teabagging, Wax Play, passes the sexy lamp test because tony is an actual sexy lamp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 02:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17799026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear
Summary: Falling for Steve would be literal death for him, and yet what a glorious end. In some way, Tony felt like he had fallen for Steve long ago.—AU in which they fall in love where Steve is a priceless antique table and Tony is one of those tacky over-designed IKEA lamps (he only costs $60!)





	Sin-terior Design

Tony was so turned on.

Which, quite frankly, was exactly what was expected of him. Being turned on was what lamps _did_ all day, every day: brighten up rooms, prevent people from tripping over things in the dark, and - since Tony was no ordinary lamp, he was a _feature lamp -_ add a splash of visual flair to the room.

He was used being admired. To hear the oohs and aahs of visitors as they gazed on his glossy outer shell, the many hands which caressed his sculpted curves in awed wonder, the short hush that fell over the watchers when his balls were pulled and his bulb lit up, bathing the room in a warm wash of light.

Yeah, Tony knew he was pretty hot stuff, all right.

Life as a sexy lamp wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, though. Being anchored to the ceiling made him the centrepiece of the room, but it also meant that he was always apart from the other furniture pieces. Always above them, never with them.

Tony dimmed slightly, swishing his pull string pensively. He missed Rhodey and Pepper. As dreary as the furniture store had been, being with his two best friends had made it worth it. But ever since his new Owner had bought him - he could still remember the exhilarating e surge of energy that flooded through his socket when he was plugged in  had been _exquisite_ \- he had been prepared to make the most of it.

To Tony’s dismay, his new home had been dull, putting a real dimmer on his expectations. He was simply too far away from any of the other furniture to make friends with them. Tony didn’t expect the rest of his future to be bright.

And then one day Steve arrived.

Tony had only been in the new place for a few weeks when the movers showed up again, lugging with them a battered packing crate.

Tony swung himself on his wires to get a closer look at the mysterious package. All the essential furniture had already been moved into the new apartment. Perhaps Owner had splurged on a treadmill, or a piano, or a massage chair.

A few minutes later, the package was unwrapped, revealing a circular table. An antique.

Tony felt a bit put out. He'd known tables before at the furniture store: They were big sticks-in-the-mud for the most part, staid and inflexible.

Although, there seemed to be something different about this table. Tony swung himself a little closer to get a better look. Upon closer inspection, Steve’s simple appearance was more than it seemed:

A broad, perfectly round surface, balanced on shapely legs. Strong lines enhanced the dense applewood grain, the rich colour free of knots and imperfections. The rim of the tabletop shimmered where a delicate pattern of scrollwork and stars was picked out with mother-of-pearl inlay. Every inch of the table gleamed with varnish, the kind of coat that indicated Steve was built to last.

Steve’s unique patina was utterly enthralling - Tony had never seen wood with such a glossy finish.

“Hello, there. I guess we’re roommates now.” Steve was the first to hesitantly venture.

“We sure are.” Tony beamed down at him. “Welcome to the new century.”

Steve didn’t answer him immediately, sending a flicker of worry through Tony. Had he already gone and said the wrong thing already? Maybe it was rude to mention age right off the bat?

“I’ve never seen a hanging lamp before.” Steve examined him curiously.

“I've never never met an antique before, either.” As Tony stretched his wires to the limit, he caught sight of his reflection in Steve’s satiny surface. The image gave him a jolt, because it was a angle few got a chance to see: straight up the base of his closely-furled lampshade, through the gap where his pull string dangled out of, giving an unadulterated view of where his glowing core was nestled.

Tony grew warm. The view was indecent, and yet the prospect of constantly being on display was simply electrifying. It was what he was made for, after all: to be looked at. The fact that Steve was the best-looking table he'd ever seen was even better.

“Enjoying the view from down there, huh?” Tony winked saucily.

Steve seemed to realise at the same time he'd be constantly looking up Tony’s shade, because he gave an awkward wobble. “Um. You're very. Bright.”

“It's what I was made for.” Tony withdrew his shutters back with a quick flourish, flashing a teasing glimpse of his bulb. “You like?”

“That doesn’t seem very secure. Are you sure you won’t fall from there?” Steve made a stolid attempt to ignore the flirtatious display.

“Yeah, so I’m a few feet from complete death and obliteration. But hey, aren’t we all?” Tony swivelled in his socket playfully. “Knock on wood, right?”

“Yeah. Right” Steve responded woodenly, and didn't speak further.

Blinking in confusion, Tony closed his shutters, wrapping them around his redly-glowing bulb a little tighter. Pissing Steve off hadn't been his intent. He hoped he hadn't blown his first impression.

\--

Steve didn’t talk to him much after that. Despite Tony’s repeated to lighten the mood, Steve’s exchanges with him had been brief and stilted.

Tony wished he could throw himself onto the ground to end his shame. This was all probably because Tony had bungled their first meeting and Steve thought he was arrogant or something.

Still, it didn’t mean Tony couldn’t enjoy ogling Steve. Although he did so with extreme guilt.

Tony enjoyed when Owner threw parties with fancy food, because it meant Steve would be dressed up for the occasion. Their Owner would polish Steve till he shone, and cover him with a tablecloth. Tony’s favourite was the lacy one: the delicate white lace contrasted Steve’s rich colouring beautifully, providing teasing glimpses of gleaming wood as it shifted over his broad surface. Most beautiful of all was the way Steve bore all the weight on his sturdy back without complaint.

It made Tony feel warm all over.

There was one night when Owner was celebrating some momentous occasion, because not only was the lacy tablecloth brought out, but so were the _candles._ Candles! Those things were basically naked baby lightbulbs, the flames dancing like tiny stars at the ends of sculpted ivory wax.  

The sight of Steve covered in those small lights made Tony’s bulb feel uncomfortably tight in its socket. As he watched, one of the melting candles dribbled a trail of wax onto Steve’s surface - and that pushed Tony over the edge.

He bust his bulb.

In the freezing darkness that followed, he could hear glass shards pattering on Steve’s surface. The thin curls of smoke streaming from his shattered bulb was evidence of his lack of control, and despite his extinguished state he felt a hot rush of shame.

Blowing his bulb was humiliating, a behavior expected of some young light fresh out of the box. Tony wished for the millionth time that he hadn’t made such a mess, he must have looked like a blazing idiot in front of Steve.

Below him, Steve remained primly impassive. The only light in the room now came from the candles, shading Steve’s grain to a rich mahogany, and reflecting off the glass shards like diamonds. Those tiny chips of glass winked up Tony almost accusingly, a sign of his lack of self-control.

Steve seemed disgusted by his behaviour, because the table kept more to himself after that.

For the first in many times Tony cursed the wires that kept him anchored to the ceiling. Why did they have to be so far from each other? He wished he could rip himself out of his socket so he could confront Steve and explain the situation.

But Tony was a prisoner of his own technology. No matter how much he stretched out his pull-strings, Steve always remained a tantalizing few feet out of reach. So close, and yet so far. Their paths were never intended to meet.

That is, unless Tony unplugged himself from the ceiling… Tony jiggled in his socket, giving his screws a few experimental twists. Falling for Steve would be literal death for him, and yet what a glorious end. In some way, Tony felt like he had fallen for Steve long ago.

Tony took in Steve’s gleaming profile again, and twinkled appreciatively. He had been turned on his whole life, but he'd never felt so _turned on_ as he did right now.

\--

Steve had been in the warehouse for so long he had almost forgotten what light felt like.

The golden light had been the first thing Steve became aware of. At first he thought it was the sun, so rich and warm it was. But there was something different about the light: while it lacked the all-encompassing intensity of the sun, the mild radiance was beautiful.

As he took stock of his surroundings, Steve identified his new location as a living room. The source of the dazzling light was a lamp suspended above him.

Judging by the modern decor of his new home, a lot of time had passed since he’d been put into storage. Steve never knew televisions could be so thin, or so many things were powered by electricity.

All these modern appliances were so sleek and minimalistic; next to them, he was an antique in every sense of the word, and he couldn’t help feeling self-conscious of his appearance.

The most outlandish of these new furnishings was definitely the globe-shaped lamp hanging above him. The last time Steve been in a home, lamps were simple appliances with shades.

Tony was unlike any of the lamps Steve had seen before.

Steve found him utterly fascinating. He had never known lamps could look so elegant, or have so many moving parts, certainly far more than Steve could shake any of his legs at.

Tony’s spherical body was comprised of smooth white plates loosely fitted together, cupping his bulb like petals of a flower. From where Steve was positioned, he could catch tantalizing glimpses of his inner walls: rose gold and glinting with a metallic sheen. When the power was off during the day, Tony looked sculptural and elegant. But at night, Tony’s power was switched on, and that was a different story: illuminated from within, his golden heart limned geometric patterns all over his body, like the sigils of a magical artefact.

Steve felt lucky being able to see him every day.

Tony talked incessantly, constantly bombarding Steve with bawdy jokes and inane chatter. But instead of feeling irritated, Steve found it endearing.

He only wished he knew what to say. Every time he tried to get his courage to talk to Tony, nervousness would cause him to table the decision for later.

Steve wished he could be closer, but was no way he could get a leg up off the ground. The few feet of distance between them might as well have been light years.

Besides, he was getting ahead of himself. There was no way a lamp as classy as Tony would give him a second glance.

\--

“What’s wrong with this tacky light? It keeps flickering whenever I come over. The cheap piece of shit blew on our first date too. Why don’t you just replace it with something that actually works?”

“Lighten up, sweetheart, we’ll worry about it later...”

\--

One day, Owner and Owner’s Companion came home in a strange mood. By the looks of it, they were planning on doing some assembly of their own.

The humans swept off all the books off Steve with a clatter. Seconds later, Owner’s back slammed onto Steve. Owner’s Friend climbed onto him and started attacking his neck. The two humans grappled with each other like they were trying to assemble a HEIMNES dresser, STUVA loft bed, KVARTAL track system, and PAX wardrobe all at the same time.

Owner’s Companion let out a moan, a drip of his fluid starting to trickle precariously towards Steve’s surface.

Under the combined weight of the humans, Steve to be dead on his legs and he let out a terrifying creak- it was the most frightening sound Tony had ever heard.

Tony wasn’t just horrified, he was furious. How dare the humans start assembling each other on top of HIS STEVE.

This was HIS STEVE was being violated, his beautiful body would be damaged by all their fluids and tussling. Such a horrible notion was off the table.

Tony strained to reach Steve but his anchorings kept him bound to the ceiling. He swung anxiously. This was unacceptable, he couldn't just hang here while Steve was violated below him

Tony brightened as an idea hit him. If he could cause a distraction, the humans would leave them alone. There was only one drawback...

It would involve blowing his bulb. Tony flickered nervously, remembering what his Owner had said before about possibly throwing him out.

But it was the only way. He’d sacrifice himself to protect Steve’s virtue.

With that, Tony did the thing he knew best: shine.

He concentrated on pulling as much power as he could from his plug. He didn’t care what his lumen rating said, Tony was always one for pushing the boundaries.

He felt his bulb warm, becoming uncomfortably hot. Any moment now, he was so close!

Steve noticed what he was doing. “Don’t do it, Tony! He’ll throw you away!”

“I MUST!” Tony blazed furiously.

“No! I won’t let you throw away your life for me!” Steve bucked up with all the force of a falling tree, throwing both Owner and Owner’s Companion up into the air. Owner’s Companion yelped as the back of his neck smacked into Tony’s globe, and there was a faint sizzling noise.

The two humans landed on the floor with a thump.

“Argh! What the fuck is wrong with your lamp? It just burned me!” Owner’s Companion clutched at the scalded patch on the back of their neck.

“It shouldn’t be doing that, I just changed the bulb.”

“Did your table just dump us on the ground by itself?” Owner’s Companion grumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous. It probably buckled because it wasn’t meant to carry so much weight.” Owner helped Owner’s Companion to their feet. “Are you alright? Let me get some ice for your neck.”

“Fuck the ice. Let’s continue this in the bedroom. Remind me to take a look at that fucking disco ball you call a lamp to see if I can’t do anything to fix it...” Owner’s Companion snapped impatiently and began tugging Owner towards the door.

The pair of humans lumbered off to continue whatever humans did when they shed their packaging.

“Steve!” Tony flickered anxiously. “You okay down there buddy?”

“Why did you do that?” Steve sounded angry.

That wasn’t part of the plan. Tony blinked. “Saving you?”

“Don’t you know what happens when you overheat? I don’t want you to burst like the last time!” Steve was pissed. “You can’t keep putting yourself into danger like this! The Owner might think you’re faulty and have you thrown out.”

“So what?” Tony flared. “He can just buy another lamp.”

“I’ll never let that happen. That’s completely off the table.” Steve responded.

“Why do you care?” Tony said hotly.

“Because you’re irreplaceable.” Steve spun towards Tony like a sunflower seeking the sun.

“I’m mass-produced, there are a million more in the warehouse just like me,” Tony said darkly. “I'm just another flash in the pan. Next year there'll be a new gimmicky lamp.”

“Not to me. Tony you’re the literal the light of my life.” Steve answered. The timbre of his words was sincere.

Tony felt himself growing hot again. All this while he’d thought he was the only one pining after Steve, but oh, how the tables had turned “I bet you say that to all the other lamps.”

“There’s something different about you. It’s fascinating, I can’t stop watching you...” Steve sighed, rocking on his legs sadly. “I wish there was a way we could touch.”

Tony lit up, as an idea came to him. “I can put my balls on you!”

“Your what?”

“My balls.” Tony swished his pull-strands so that the balls at the end clacked together. Yes, he was growing warmer at the thought. “Let me touch you. Steve, please. I’ve wanted it so long, I’m so hot for you…”

Steve let out a low creak of a groan, hardly daring believe his wishes were coming true. It was everything he’d hoped for, but he had to go slow.

“Don't burst.” Steve ordered sternly. He had keep things under control before both their feelings ran away with them.

“Okay, okay, I'll be good. I even have one of those eco-friendly bulbs so I can last longer this time.” Tony lengthened his string, lowering his balls to Steve’s surface. As he bore down, his shutters began to open, unfurling like the petals of a flower.

“Beautiful. Your shutters are gorgeous. I've never seen you so open before.” Steve regarded him admiringly. He would give an arm and a leg to see TOny like this all the time.

“Too much?” Tony flickered, withdrawing his string and closing his shell slightly. “Sorry, I know it's a little much on the eyes…”

“No, keep them open for me. You're so beautiful.”

Encouraged by the praise, Tony lowered his balls once again. They grazed against Steve’s surface with a soft click - Steve gave another creak of a shudder - before starting to trail over the glossy tabletop

The contact made Tony flicker. Against his balls, the wood felt like nothing he had ever felt before. To Tony, a creature of science and technology, it was a sensation both alien and thrilling: he could sense the echo of preserved organic life beneath the coat of varnish, the whisper of the tree Steve once was, ripened by age and made beautiful by craft.

Tony loved it. “That's it… Steve, you're so hard…”

Steve shivered. Being touched by Tony was something out of this world. He could sense the energy thrumming from Tony, from his bright heart down the pleasure-slackened string, out through the ceramic balls kissing his surface almost lazily. The whisper of electrons charged the air with static, and despite himself Steve could feel the knots in his grain tighten with the tension.

A tiny blue spark of electricity arced off Tony’s string, dancing across the table’s flat top, sending the most pecular feeling shooting through ever fiber of Steve’s being.

“Ah!” Steve shuddered, and acompartment sprang open from his side.

“Are you okay? Hey, what’s that?” Tony swung himself over, trying to figure out what it was.

Steve darkened in embarrassment. “It seems I have a secret compartment.”

“You’re just full of secrets, aren't you?” Tony laughed. “I look forward to discovering them all.”

\----

[Humans POV]

“That’s it.” Tony glared at the flickering light coming through from under the door and shot up to sitting position, pooling the sheets around his hips.“That damn lamp is acting up again. I’m gonna rip it out and trash it myself.”

“Cool down, Tony, it's not a big deal. I think my weird lamp adds a bit of character to the house.” Steve smiled, looping an arm around his waist to draw him back to bed.

“You’re so weird.” Tony flopped back on the bed. “Didn't it blow a bulb the first time we had a date? And I’m pretty sure it tried to burn me. Twice.”

“Just cuz things are a little temperamental doesn't mean they're not good.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Was that directed at me?”

Steve chuckled. “No comment.”

“Smart move.” Tony rolled over towards the blond man. “It’s kinda interesting how you have that hipster monstrosity dangling over that gorgeous vintage table. They don't make things with that kind of quality workmanship anymore, where'd you get it from?”

Steve tucked him against his chest, settling them both under the sheets. “It was my grandfather’s, he had it way back in the 30s.”

Tony went still. “We almost fucked on it.”

With a chuckle, Steve pressed a kiss into the other man’s shoulder. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. The table was supposed to come with a diary, but I guess that got lost over the years. I even looked all over for any hidden panels or compartments, but no luck.”

“We can go treasure hunting tomorrow.” Tony began to roll towards Steve, but his gaze was caught by the flickering light once more and he scowled. “That lamp gives me the heebie-jeebies. Tomorrow I’m going to repair the hell out of it.” Tony grumpily rubbed at the burned spot on the back of his neck. “Pretty sure your lamp hates me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Tony, it’s just furniture.” Steve folded him into an embrace. “I need to get you to lighten up more.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back on my bullshit again! First they were fruits, now they’re furniture! I’m always down for inanimate object AUs
> 
> As always, another silly idea from the Stony discord server. It started when somebody said that Tony’s furnituresona would be one of those overly complicated feature lamps (like this one) and it all spiralled from there. Hope you enjoyed!


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